The Not Fully Present, Performing Parrot.

Looking back on this week, I can see so many ways in which I could’ve done better. Having not felt well on and off all week, I haven’t quite been in a good place physically or mentally. Greatly lacking concentration, and therefore lacking in the creativity department as well, I don’t think I was able to put my best foot forward. I cannot think of one instance where I was fully present in any of the activities we did this week, and it makes me rather mad at myself. I’m mad that the way I’ve been feeling got in the way of my concentration and focus and left me only doing a mediocre job instead of my best. And then, when like this, all I can fixate on is doing what is asked and, in turn, not fully give myself over to what we are doing. Instead, I try to plan each movement ahead of time, making everything seem more robotic. Take the scene Stacey and I performed for instance. Each time we walked past each other, I was well aware of what needed to happen and I tried to make it happen instead of just letting it come naturally. However, by doing this, it ended up becoming very forced and awkward for me. I ended up taking cues from Stacey, more or less, instead of genuinely responding to the actions. I felt more like a mirror reflecting her exact actions instead of my own person and my own character. And I could tell I was doing it, too. Yet somehow, I couldn’t break out of it. It was as if my mind was off somewhere else and all I could manage to do was mimic what I had already seen – like some sort of performing parrot. So, the next time we work on similar activities, whether I feel well or not, my goal is to try and engage my scene partner, go with the flow and be fully present in my scene.